I don’t like sharing this story, so I’m not sure why I feel compelled to share it with you. It takes a leap of faith to understand – at least for me. It also takes understanding that some people’s feelings are “bigger” than others – higher highs, lower lows.
Several years ago, my family was in our car at an intersection. I saw it coming out of the corner of my eye – the car that was about to hit us at full speed. The next few seconds stretched out in slow motion over several minutes… and, I watched from outside of my body (right above to be exact). I watched my body being flung around the car, but I felt no pain – not physically or mentally. It was almost a feeling of being free. I knew something bad was happening, but I had a sense that all was okay – peaceful, really. I had no anxiety, no depression, no OCD, no stress whatsoever. It felt good – like a secure, warm blanket. I began to drift further away from my body.
As I moved, my eyes shifted up – just barely. I saw that I was moving away from my husband and children, and I felt my connection to them. I can only describe the feeling as having a cord that ran between each of us. As that cord stretched further, I felt the strain – and the pain came on stronger than any pain I have ever felt before. The anguish of losing them, the suffering of them losing me – it was all there in that moment. I knew if the cords broke, I would spend forever suffering their loss.
Then, in a blink of an eye, it was over. I was back in my body, and I began to react to the reality of the accident that had just occurred. It wasn’t until long after the accident that I was able to process exactly what had happened in those seconds. It is not something I could ever truly explain (or want to try for that matter). All I know is, it happened.
I think back on this moment sometimes when I need to remember – even though I don’t like to because the pain of those cords stretching pulls at my heart fresh and new. But, once in a while, my very big emotions get the best of me, and I feel my family would be better off without me. Then, I remember. Suicide will never be an option. The lowest of lows, no matter how unbearable they seem, are temporary. Losing my family and being the cause of their deepest grief would be an eternal sentence of despair. I chose each day to stay on this side of the pearly gates as long as I am allowed to be.
Every day is not rainbows and unicorns. But, I love my family beyond the boundaries of our existence. And, I have learned, that is enough.